John - 2/7/2010, 12:14 AM - Curse News
As Super Bowl Eve comes to a close, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, a fluid so nasty that federal water safety standards limit it to one part per million picoliters (picolitres outside the US), has one last stake in the big game: Jonathan Vilma.
Cursetographers are divided over Vilma's likelihood of being attacked on the national stage. Many say his period of endorsement -- one very busy season when there were seven endorsers -- should limit his exposure to the Curse.
Others point to the example of Brian Urlacher, who time as an endorser was limited to a single lunch in 2004 when he told a friend not spoil the soup by putting crackers in it. Such a limit endorsement role did nothing to prevent the Curse from attacking repeatedly over much of the last decade.
Reached for comment, the Curse told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "Jonathan Vilma's still playing football? Holy crap, I haven't heard about that guy since his rookie season!"
Curse follower Chris Berman added, "I could have sworn I heard a news item the other day saying Vilma has been inducted into the Timmy Smith wing of the Hall of Fame. Or maybe it was the Mark Rypein annex. I don't know. It should be some part dedicated mostly to guys who had one good season while playing for Joe Gibbs."
Jonathan Vilma shot back at his critics during press day, saying, "What the fuck does Joe Gibbs have to do with the Chunky Soup Curse?"
Vilma stormed out after a reporter shouted out, "I know! I know! Both did irreparable harm to the Denver Broncos!"
Curse watchers will have to wait to see if the Curse has any magic left after a season that started hard but ended soft.
Curse denies role in retirement of Kurt Warner
The Chunky Soup Curse denied any involvement in the retirement of Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner.
In a brief statement, the Curse told reporters, "That one's all on God. Didn't you people listen to Kurt and his suddenly much hotter wife?"
Many had speculated that Warner's beatdown in the game against the Saints several weeks ago was abetted by the Curse, seizing a last opportunity to attack Warner while he was outside of Arizona.
Warner had been allowed to play in Arizona under an agreement between God and the Curse, because the Curse felt it was OK to abandon Warner to die in a place beyond the laws of God or man (or evil cursed endorsement deals).
Contacted for comment, God said he was tired of TV cameras showing Brenda Warner.
"Look, I know the new hairdo made her suddenly camera and boner ready," said God. "But, that doesn't justify putting her on TV ever six seconds for reaction shots because Kurt winces every time he hands the ball off."
God reportedly got tired of the exposition on TV, and decided to sneak into the Warner's bedroom with a See & Say that played messages encouraging retirement.
"That model of See & Say is hard to come by," said God. "We had to import it from France, the only place on Earth where they encourage people to stop working before they've every held down a job."
Curse watchers have speculated as to whether the retirement of Warner spells the end to the long-standing feud between God and the Chunky Soup Curse.
God shrugged and said, "It's an evil frickin curse. What do you want? As long as football players endorse Me and the Soup, there will be a conflict."