The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most vile thing outside of Ben Roethlisberger's bachelor pad, issued the following press release today in regards to the Steelers quarterback's recent legal run-ins and moral failures:
The Evil Alliance of Sports Curses, most known for the SI, Madden and Chunky Curses, announced today that it is reviewing the addition of a new sports curse: the Curse of the Crappy Fans.
The interest in a new sports curse comes on the heels of the pathetic showing of Indianapolis Colts fans when their team returned home from their defeat in the Super Bowl to the New Orleans Saints. According to the Indianapolis Star, a total of 11 -- eleven, ya know, like ten adults and probably a kid in a stroller -- showed up at the airport to the greet the Colts and thank them for their role in the most watched Super Bowl in history.
Two of the fans weren't even serious fans according to Star reporter Kevin O'Neal. "There were these two, drunk, very inebriated, Purdue students who were just there to dick with Peyton Manning. They just stood there screaming and slurring and spitting out the words 'Cut that meat!'"
As Super Bowl Eve comes to a close, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, a fluid so nasty that federal water safety standards limit it to one part per million picoliters (picolitres outside the US), has one last stake in the big game: Jonathan Vilma.
Cursetographers are divided over Vilma's likelihood of being attacked on the national stage. Many say his period of endorsement -- one very busy season when there were seven endorsers -- should limit his exposure to the Curse.
Others point to the example of Brian Urlacher, who time as an endorser was limited to a single lunch in 2004 when he told a friend not spoil the soup by putting crackers in it. Such a limit endorsement role did nothing to prevent the Curse from attacking repeatedly over much of the last decade.
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, a curse so wretched it will be featured next season on Dirty Jobs, challenged Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid to "spit Donovan McNabb out so I can kill him."
Curse watchers were astonished when halfway through the third quarter of the Eagles-Cowboys playoff game Reid unhinged his jaw and swallowed McNabb in a single go.
The Curse was in Dallas this weekend in the hope of performing a double-whammy against McNabb and Cowboys OLB Demarcus Ware.
