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Curse uses off-week to batter Tomlinson
John - 1/28/2009, 10:44 AM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the greatest threat to civilization since the 1918 H1N1 flu strain, spent the off-week before the Super Bowl piling further despair upon LaDainian Tomlinson.
Rioting broke out in San Diego after Chargers general manager A.J. Smith told local media, "LT is a pantywaist. One time, I saw him struggle to flip the lid open on a plastic ketchup bottle. I saw him strain and strain and strain. And then, instead of the lid opening, I smelled poo. It was horrid."
Rumors abound that Smith had a sitdown with the Chunky Soup Curse, where Smith asked the Curse what it would take to make him back off. The Curse reportedly told Smith, "Trade him to Detroit."
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The Curse explained (again)
John - 1/18/2009, 11:03 PM - WTF
For some reason, this year is the year that people are really hooked on the Curse. But EVERYONE keeps getting the Curse wrong.
It is not a Super Bowl Curse as suggested in this recent bit of blogging on the Yinzburgh PG's website.
Players can and often do have success despite being victims of the Curse. Kurt Warner has a SB ring. Two for Terrell Davis. One for Big Ben. Even Donovan McNabb was only a field goal aware from a Lombardi Trophy!
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SINGLE ARTICLE: http://www.chuckysoupcurse.com/?nav=articles&category=single&id=89
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Curse practiced in full pads Saturday
John - 1/18/2009, 1:28 AM - Curse News
The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most evil curse not performed by Sicilian grandmothers, came into the cursed endorsement deal practice facility read to hit hard.
An anonymous Curse insider said the Curse practiced in full pads at full speed this Saturday in preparation for Sunday's conference championship games.
When asked about the harsh regiment, the Curse responded, "Look. L.T.'s down. No question this season was a success, but now we've got to focus and clean up some of these loose ends."
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SINGLE ARTICLE: http://www.chuckysoupcurse.com/?nav=articles&category=single&id=88
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New rule for the website
John - 1/17/2009, 5:57 PM - WTF
If you don't love football, don't fuckin' email me!
Case: Dan Gross, Philly.com gossip columnist and a grown man whose blog links to TMZ, Perez Hilton and Gawker. Dan? Don't make us send the sheriff to confiscate your man card for trying to stir up gossip involving football, Chunky Soup and and vulgar websites.
Mr. Gross emailed me last night seeking comment on whether ChunkySoupCurse.com was in any way affiliated with or owned by Campbell's. Trust but verify, sure, right? Of course I did what most people would do: I told the truth.
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Playoff wins guarantee a Cursed Super Bowl
John - 1/11/2009, 10:07 PM - Curse news
Many Curse watchers awoke from their Sunday afternoon drinking binges to discover that the Curse victims were on the march.
Curse alumni Kurt Warner, Ben Roethlisberger, Donovan McNabb and Todd Heap were instrumental in leading their teams to the AFC and NFC conference championship games.
Curse watcher Steve Tasker told ChunkySoupCurse.com, "I am stunned. Obviously, Warner is in Arizona and therefore beyond the laws of God or evil cursed endorsement deals. But McNabb and Roethlisberger? This is dangerous. Evil hasn't been in this discredited since Microsoft debuted Windows Millenium Edition."
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SINGLE ARTICLE: http://www.chuckysoupcurse.com/?nav=articles&category=single&id=86
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Could Steelers-Chargers playoff game end the world?
John - 1/9/2009, 4:01 PM - Curse news
Cursetologist Bill Simmons announced today that his research indicates a 8.4 percent risk that the impending Steelers-Chargers AFC playoff game will spell the doom of the entire Earth.
Said Simmons, "With the arrival of LaDainian Tomlinson in Pittsburgh, the Earth transits to its greatest peril since the Cuban Missile Crisis almost became a shooting war."
Simmons in an open letter to the NFL, the FCC and the United States Congress demanded the immediate cancellation of the showdown of two of the greatest Chunky Soup Curse victims ever, Tomlinson and Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.
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