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Is the entire NFL being taken down by the Curse?

John - 9/19/2014, 12:22 AM - News

As the NFL faces more off-the-field pressure to disband itself and move than it has ever encountered in its storied history, many observers of professional football are starting to wonder whether the entire NFL might be a victim of the cursed endorsement deal that follows Campbell's Chunky Soup, a fluid so disgusting that the FDA only allows it to be fed to people with specific range of incurable cancers.

Speculation has risen that Curse is finally delivering its killing blow to the league. The Curse responded quickly and definitively to these claims.

Contacted for comment regarding the rapid breakdown of the NFL's legendary pimp-like hold over the minds of the media, the Curse issued a flat denial of any involvement:

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Richard Sherman risks life and limb for cursed endorsement deal

John - 9/5/2014, 11:15 AM - News

One of the brashest players in the NFL has decided to take his chances by endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous fluid found during the destruction of Syrian chemical weapons stockpiles. His endorsement follows recent endorsements by Clay Matthews in 2013 and Victor Cruz in 2012. The ads are a continuation of the brand's commitment to its "Mamma's Boy" campaign, where loving but deranged mothers slowly destroy their sons careers by feeding them a soup loaded with toxic materials that lead to devastating sports injuries.

Sherman is widely considered the best cornerback in the NFL today, no small feet in a league where any attempt to do anything except help the receiver into the end zone and scream "Fuck yeah! Fantasy points!" is punishable by ejection from the game.

Curse observers believe that Sherman stands a better than average chance of not being hurt by the evil endorsement deal. Stuart Scott of ESPN said, "Look . . . in today's NFL, a cornerback isn't allowed any physical contact at all. He's basically treated like he has a serious and easily communicable disease. How is the Curse going to hurt Richard Sherman? Turf toe?"

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Has the Curse resurfaced with Victor Cruz?

John - 12/9/2012, 10:07 PM - News

After a long layover fighting to get through customs, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, a substance so lethal it was never used to make cola during the late 1800s, appears to have once again re-emerged.

It's new victim? New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. Complete with his mom.

That's right, the Curse is returning to its roots: the moms.

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Crazy British people rename Big Ben

John - 6/1/2012, 11:24 PM - Curse News

The United Kingdom today angered Pittsburgh Steelers fans everywhere by unilaterally renaming quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in honor of Queen Elizabeth II.

The Steelers Nation tweeted their outrage with the hashtag #7notaqueen.

The British Honorary Consulate in Pittsburgh was the scene of several flare-ups of street violence.

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Curse denies any involvement in Roethlisberger incidents

John - 4/14/2010, 1:23 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most vile thing outside of Ben Roethlisberger's bachelor pad, issued the following press release today in regards to the Steelers quarterback's recent legal run-ins and moral failures:

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Will Colts face the Curse of the Crappy Fans?

John - 2/10/2010, 11:40 PM - Curse News

The Evil Alliance of Sports Curses, most known for the SI, Madden and Chunky Curses, announced today that it is reviewing the addition of a new sports curse: the Curse of the Crappy Fans.

The interest in a new sports curse comes on the heels of the pathetic showing of Indianapolis Colts fans when their team returned home from their defeat in the Super Bowl to the New Orleans Saints. According to the Indianapolis Star, a total of 11 -- eleven, ya know, like ten adults and probably a kid in a stroller -- showed up at the airport to the greet the Colts and thank them for their role in the most watched Super Bowl in history.

Two of the fans weren't even serious fans according to Star reporter Kevin O'Neal. "There were these two, drunk, very inebriated, Purdue students who were just there to dick with Peyton Manning. They just stood there screaming and slurring and spitting out the words 'Cut that meat!'"

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