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Dancing with the Soup: the Victor Cruz Story

John - 10/22/2014, 7:46 PM - Victims

When the bill came due for New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz to pay his endorsement of Campbell's Chunky Soup, a fluid so nasty that even the ebola virus passes right by it, he proved unable to dance his way out of it.

Cruz, beloved by NFL fans for his salsa dancing moves following touchdowns, understood the need to use his talents to get ahead in life, but his desire to prosper turned to tragedy when the Campbell's corporation came knocking and offered him the most evil contract that a man can sign without pricking his finger and doing it in blood.

The effects of consuming too much of the disgusting soup caused Cruz's knee to give out, bringing the receiver's 2014 campaign to an end.

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New NFL picks website (shameless self-promotion)

John - 10/15/2014, 9:27 PM - News

As glib as we can seem here at ChunkySoupCurse.com, the fact is that there's some serious stat geekery happening around here.

If you'd like to read some serious analysis of upcoming NFL games, please take the time to pay a visit to ProFootball.Konosa.com, a sub-project of a sister site of ours, and find out how we expect your favorite team and others to perform this week.

Thank you for bearing with our shameless act of self-promotion for another website that's in our sphere of influence. We hope that you will enjoy the experience of reading the picks.

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Is the entire NFL being taken down by the Curse?

John - 9/19/2014, 12:22 AM - News

As the NFL faces more off-the-field pressure to disband itself and move than it has ever encountered in its storied history, many observers of professional football are starting to wonder whether the entire NFL might be a victim of the cursed endorsement deal that follows Campbell's Chunky Soup, a fluid so disgusting that the FDA only allows it to be fed to people with specific range of incurable cancers.

Speculation has risen that Curse is finally delivering its killing blow to the league. The Curse responded quickly and definitively to these claims.

Contacted for comment regarding the rapid breakdown of the NFL's legendary pimp-like hold over the minds of the media, the Curse issued a flat denial of any involvement:

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Richard Sherman risks life and limb for cursed endorsement deal

John - 9/5/2014, 11:15 AM - News

One of the brashest players in the NFL has decided to take his chances by endorsing Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous fluid found during the destruction of Syrian chemical weapons stockpiles. His endorsement follows recent endorsements by Clay Matthews in 2013 and Victor Cruz in 2012. The ads are a continuation of the brand's commitment to its "Mamma's Boy" campaign, where loving but deranged mothers slowly destroy their sons careers by feeding them a soup loaded with toxic materials that lead to devastating sports injuries.

Sherman is widely considered the best cornerback in the NFL today, no small feet in a league where any attempt to do anything except help the receiver into the end zone and scream "Fuck yeah! Fantasy points!" is punishable by ejection from the game.

Curse observers believe that Sherman stands a better than average chance of not being hurt by the evil endorsement deal. Stuart Scott of ESPN said, "Look . . . in today's NFL, a cornerback isn't allowed any physical contact at all. He's basically treated like he has a serious and easily communicable disease. How is the Curse going to hurt Richard Sherman? Turf toe?"

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Has the Curse resurfaced with Victor Cruz?

John - 12/9/2012, 10:07 PM - News

After a long layover fighting to get through customs, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, a substance so lethal it was never used to make cola during the late 1800s, appears to have once again re-emerged.

It's new victim? New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz. Complete with his mom.

That's right, the Curse is returning to its roots: the moms.

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Crazy British people rename Big Ben

John - 6/1/2012, 11:24 PM - Curse News

The United Kingdom today angered Pittsburgh Steelers fans everywhere by unilaterally renaming quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in honor of Queen Elizabeth II.

The Steelers Nation tweeted their outrage with the hashtag #7notaqueen.

The British Honorary Consulate in Pittsburgh was the scene of several flare-ups of street violence.

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